Home Care Partners, LLC
PO Box 590
Hingham, MA 02018

Phone: 781-378-2164

Email: info@homecarepartnersma.com

Keep Vigilant: How to Help Elderly Parents Remain Happy and Healthy

- By John D. Miller

A very dear friend said to me recently, "Isn't it humbling that we are living as the "sandwich generation"? We had been discussing how busy life gets while tending to work, our own children, and increasingly - taking care of our aging parents. We are the generation now sandwiched between the young and the old. Not only are we taking care of our children, but also providing support for our elderly parents. Many of us are being pulled in two different directions - and we can't be everywhere at once!

Many of us with aging parents are "sandwiched." We are challenged, and perhaps expected, with providing time, care, and attention to our elderly parents. And this may be exacerbated by distances - parents may be living out of state. How do we help? Are one or both parents still capable and comfortable living at home? And are they able to take care of themselves, or do they need your assistance?

Helping your parents as an advocate can be a daunting, intimidating task. But there are ways to remain positive, and proactive with your parents. The following recommendations will help you to be attentive, understanding, and involved with your parents as they age.

1. Deductive Investigation

Generally, you need to pay attention in observing and speaking with your parents. We all may be guilty of dismissing changes as simply a change. But in reality, the change may be due to a deeper, more telling cause.

My mother religiously called me every Sunday. Usually before noontime. It was her habit, an ingrained routine to check-in with her children every week via phone. I observed two years ago that this habit had been altered. I did not notice the change at first, but soon I realized she was not making her normal Sunday phone call. In response, I simply started to call her. But over time I came to understand that she had forgotten her routine, lost track of days, and was no longer able to define and carry out her routine schedules.

Specifically, it may be very helpful and informative to sit in on a monthly doctor's appointment. Many times, the details of these conversations don't get communicated or repeated properly. And this access allows you to pose questions of the doctor. How is blood pressure? Heart beat? Weight? Reflexes? Eyesight? Is the doctor looking at anything based on past history?

Has there been any evidence of memory loss? Before jumping to the conclusion that Alzheimer's disease has taken hold, realize that some memory loss is natural and normal as people age. There may be any number of medical explanations, such as age related diabetes; vitamin B12 deficiency; depression; or Parkinson's disease.

Don't hesitate to write your questions down on a piece of paper. Prior to the appointment, you can jot down observations or questions. Have you heard complaints of aches? Coughing? Loss of appetite? Increasing memory lapses, or repetitive stories?

Many times medical visits are short. The doctor's schedule may be jammed with patients all day long, every day. But if you have a list for review, you will be able to address your concerns. How long have you noticed these changes? This helps you keep the physician abreast of changes, and helps keep you more informed.

2. Changes come on rapidly

Vigilant adult children can be struck with the suddenness of change in parental behavior and functioning. This may be all the more apparent when your visits are limited to 1 - 4 times per year. Sometimes, a sudden change may be directly related to a recent problem. A fall may result in a broken arm, but the real cause may be related to mobility functions, imbalance, dizziness, or physical issues. Your aging mother may be completely alert and lucid on phone calls, but is beginning to show signs of confusion and memory loss the following week. Elders may be experiencing an acute problem. Have medications been added or changed recently? Is there an undetected infection which is weakening the body AND effecting attitude while changing habits? Could there be a mini-stroke or heart attack causing disorientation or the accompanying aches and pains?

Be mindful and observant to your parent's baseline health and behavior. You will need to be alert to sudden, as well as subtle, signs, changes, and/or fluctuations in both temperament and physical behavior. Are they eating properly and still losing weight? Is there a vitamin deficiency which might be very simple to adjust? Keep his/her physician informed of changes. This will help ensure a proper diagnosis and timely treatment – which may be especially important for sudden changes in condition.

3. What are current prescriptions? And what is the medication schedule?

For many, this can become a somewhat mind boggling task. And that refers to the adult children who are trying to decipher their parents medications! Imagine how confusing it may be for a senior to stay on schedule!

Place all the drug containers on a table in front of you, and create a master list of drugs, dosages, and any other relevant data such as a) time of day; b) to be taken with/out food. You may even describe the pill. Is it yellow, or blue? Small, or large?

And post these schedules in areas of the house where Mom, Dad, and any other helpers can easily find and read. On the kitchen table, or the refrigerator. Tape a copy to the inside of a kitchen cabinet. Make certain you update all copies. And keep a copy for your own records.

Familiarize yourself with the medications. What is the purpose of each drug? Does it address blood pressure, or anxiety? Is it to assist bodily processes relating to digestion and bowels? Or is it a blood thinner?

Be certain to notify each doctor who has any dealings with your parents. Many times, there are multiple medical professionals dealing within their expertise on one patient. They need to understand ALL the prescriptions involved, because chemically some drugs adversely effect other drugs. Please also include and make note of any over-the-counter products.

You also need to understand possible side effects from medications. Does it cause fatigue, or bring on drowsiness? Is there a potential danger based on the current mix of medications? Your doctor also needs to be current on certain lifestyle choices, such as alcohol intake, caffeine, smoking.

Again, write it down.

4. Emotional health relates to physical health

The physical ailments of aging can be - at times - readily identifiable. Whether a sore knee, shoulder, or swelling in the legs and ankles - these can be diagnosed by those in the medical profession as results of arthritis, poor circulation, etc. However, the process of aging can take on a more internal effect. Seniors can become withdrawn, uninspired, complacent, and depressed. The simple frustration of age, and the loss of many functional abilities, can greatly effect the emotional health and well being of seniors.

Depression is common in many seniors. But there may be many reasons - personal, environmental, physical, internal, which result in depression. For example, the loss of a spouse can understandably effect the survivor. They may become withdrawn, sad, lacking the daily focus of a partner's company. They may not be interested in socializing even with old friends and lifelong neighbors due to their loss.

Alternatively, your mother's depression may due to a biological imbalance, not simply because of her age. Her body may not be producing the proper hormones to maintain chemical balance.

Seniors have a greater understanding of their limitations than we may give them credit for. Listen for hints. For instance, the risks associated with falling on ice, or simply due to dizziness or loss of balance. This is a very real fear. Simply walking from the front door to the car can be hazardous, and the cause of great anxiety. I have an elderly female client whose legs simply collapsed as she walked, and the fall resulted in her breaking both her nose and elbow. Such seemingly simple tasks are not so easy for many seniors.

Elders do have something that younger generations lack...experience at life. And they appreciate passing along that expertise. Elder adults understand the value of sharing life's experiences with younger generations. Being a good listener can be a very small gesture which provides happiness. An elderly parent may be frustrated with their legacy - their perceived impact on life and on those dear to them. Life brings on "macro" questions...What have I done? What will I leave behind? What can I give back to family & friends when I'm gone? Sometimes these questions don't have immediate answers. But listening has value. Listening to stories of how they grew up - what their world was like? They appreciate telling those stories, and they value your attention.

For these seniors, delving into the family genealogy can prove to be a wonderful process for everyone in the family. It is meaningful, personal, rewarding, and enlightening when uncovering the family tree, long forgotten ancestors, and your own place in family history. Try getting them started with books, or some library research, or on-line.

5. Quality of life versus quantity of years

I'm convinced that my parents are most happy when their children or grandchildren are visiting. But living 600 miles apart makes this difficult to accomplish more than 1-4 times per year. So what can I do? My approach has been to stay connected in other ways. I make multiple phone calls per week to simply check-in, and say "hello." I encourage grandchildren to email those tech savvy seniors who have embraced a personal computer in their home. We also send photos along to grandparents, knowing that they enjoy the pictures and feel more connected to the lives of all their offspring.

No one looks forward to losing the qualities of youth -- whether eyesight, walking/balance, energy, mental acuity, or physical abilities. And many times this natural aging can bring sadness and depression (see comments above). But seniors do have many well worn abilities to contribute, such as time, resourcefulness, and the abilities to adjust and compensate. AND, elders have the experiences that life and age have given them.

Perhaps your mother has always enjoyed gardening. But now, her knees and hands just can't do what she used to be able to in the backyard. How about sending her some house plants, to spruce up the house. Or, you can work together on planting seedlings indoors. Then she can water and tend to the plants, and you can help transfer into the yard when the weather warms up.

There are many ways for seniors to stay involved in community. They can give some of their time. Volunteers are always welcome at local schools. (Instead of the administration being pulled away to watch over cafeteria duty, a senior volunteer might fill that role perfectly.) Or there may be church activities. Library volunteer staffing. Many seniors volunteer to deliver "meals on wheels" to home-bound elders. Or drive the local van for disabled adults/children.

New learning activities can be very fulfilling. My mother joined an "investment club" years ago, whose members included many acquaintances and some new faces. Every month the members got together to review stock investments, and look over new opportunities. And they made a little money in the process!

My father enjoys reading, and has always been interested in U.S. history - specifically the Civil War and WWII. You can bet that on every family occasion, whether birthdays or holidays, he receives some new book or video to immerse himself in.

Rekindling old activities can be fun, also. Encourage active seniors to join the local bowling league, golf, lawn bowling, or any other community activity. This gets them out them out of the house; encourages socialization; results in some physical exercise; and dusts off some old skills. Or maybe the weekly bridge club will bring everyone together. Life long learning is an attitude. Old dogs can learn new tricks.

Remember, sometimes it's easiest to help in small stages. Positive gestures can become significant building blocks when helping your elderly parents. And you all may appreciate the quality it brings to your lives.

John D. Miller is the owner of Home Care Partners, LLC, a local South Shore business providing in-home assistance and companion care services to those needing help in daily activities and household functions. He can be reached at 781 378 2164; email: info@homecarepartnersma.com ; or online at: www.homecarepartnersma.com

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