PO Box 590
Hingham, MA 02018
Phone: 781-378-2164
Email: info@homecarepartnersma.com
Summer and Family Reunions - Time for Family Planning
- By John D. MillerSummertime brings hot, humid beach days, and gorgeous sunsets. It can also bring some relaxation and family time fun. School is out, family trips and vacations are underway. There may be annual family reunions, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, memorials, picnics, weddings and other events all happening when local or long distance family members are travelling to visit one another. This may be the perfect occasion to mix family fun with family business.
Older parents, or family elders, are experiencing and living through great changes in life. Their aging is necessitating changes in lifestyle -- due to health, physical capabilities and mental functionality. A summertime family gathering may be the perfect time to discuss and layout planning ideas for the future.
Adult children need to look forward, and help build a roadmap for many elders. Now is the time to discuss some changes, options, and/or decisions that may effect the future. Openly address observations that have been noted, but left unsaid. Elder parents can play a big role here. Take the time to tell your children where important documents are kept. Where is your living will? Durable Power of Attorney documents? Designated Health Care Proxy? HIPPA release form for adult children to enable discussions with doctors or insurance? Do Mom and Dad have personal health care directives they would like to share? What are options concerning long term care needs?
Do Mom and Dad work with an Attorney? An Estate Planner? Accountant? Financial Planner? These are professionals who may need to be involved, or informed.
For some adult children who have daily and/or consistent contact with parents, the observed changes in parental functionality is not such a surprise. Perhaps they have noted more frailty, more difficulty with walking or balance. But they are dealing with these changes on a daily basis. However, for many adult children - especially those living out of town or state, these observed changes in Mom and Dad can be surprising and dramatic. Which, in turn, can be alarming. Your parents ability to drive a car, process simple information, remember their medication schedules may have slipped. Their health and mental capacities have deteriorated. Summertime can be the chance for families to compare notes, and work together in the long term care planning process.
For older parents who are well and active - this can be a great time to organize and orchestrate a family meeting. Share your thoughts with adult children and other family members concerning a long term care plan. Discuss and reveal where financial and legal documents are located. Have they been filed in a desk drawer, or in a lock box/family safe, or in the cellar? Review health care directives. How long ago was your living will established? Has there been any significant life change over the last two years, relating to health or finances? Or any planned and expected events in the near future? Your will may need to be updated. The best result may simply be to uncover some of these aging issues, and openly discuss.
Real world relationships, and real people, have shown us that even close-knit families can quickly turn on each other. Anger, jealousy, and emotion can disassemble the family fabric. When an aging parent begins to need long term care services, the family can be torn apart. Stress, suspicion, fatigue and even hostility can begin to encroach and overwhelm extended families. Are there ulterior motives? Will I lose my inheritance? Or, is one sibling doing all the work...providing all the care? Is there a support chain?
With good communication and a plan, many advance decisions can be made. And many conflicts can be avoided. Here are four recommended steps to family planning:
Step 1.) The first step is to convene a family meeting. Sometimes this can be the most difficult hurdle to overcome...the logistics involved in gathering all interested and available family members in one location at one time. Perhaps a grandchild's birthday, a wedding anniversary, or the annual family get together at the cottage can be used as a way for all to meet. Or maybe even a special dinner might be an incentive.
Step 2.) Set an agenda - which can be formal or informal. The designated person conducting the meeting can be an elder parent, an advisor, friend, adult child, or a proactive family member who has taken on the roll of care planning for themselves, and/or their parents. Prepare some copies of the care plan for sharing and distribution. This will help with structure, and will help with notetaking. Encourage everyone's input for discussion and open dialogue.
Step 3.) Push for an understanding of possible solutions, and family consensus to support the plan. Let everyone digest their thoughts. Are there any unmet conditions? What are family expectations? Not everyone may be pleased. So expect some issues will need discussion and compromise. At the end of the meeting, ask for commitment to support the plan. Out loud. Go around the table and ask each attendee. Get a verbal response from each.
Step 4.) GET IT IN WRITING! Many good intentions somehow are forgotten with time. It may be years after this meeting before the long term care plan begins. If there are vocal commitments to help with transportation to doctors, give respite to the caregiver or other commitments, write them down on the care agreement. You can have everyone "sign-off" with their initials if you think that is important.
No one wants to think about a time when they might personally need long-term care. But we will all experience death - the only question is "when?" So planning ahead is very important. For most of us, the immersion in care planning is due to an emergency. Mother, father, family friend or relative suddenly needs care. It is a nightmare scrambling to find information, facilities, help, and resources. Many times these are just bandaid solutions - not preferred by you or your loved ones.
When the family is together make it a point to start the long term care planning process. It may take time and research to build a plan together. There are legal, health, and financial issues to confront. But if everyone is involved, it will be worth it.
Give yourself options. Planning ahead allows you to have more control over your future.
John D. Miller is the owner of Home Care Partners, LLC, a local South Shore business providing in-home assistance and companion care services to those needing help in daily activities and household functions. He can be reached at 781 378 2164; email: info@homecarepartnersma.com ; or online at: www.homecarepartnersma.com